Mehiami Logo

Mehiami Logo
bitterness abounds

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Law Enfarcement.

(Part Two of the Cops Being Douchebags series)


So, I'm thinking maybe it's time Miami cops start answering for all the ass-hattery they've been perpetrating as of late.


We've all seen this video from the window of a Miami Beach hotel room.



Your first (ok, actually my first) thought is "whoa that’s pretty cool, a shootout". But then you start to notice a few pretty scary details, like how it wasn't much of a shootout, as all the cops lined up in front of the car. and they all opened fire like they were executing the driver. Mind you, “Like they were executing” is a huge difference from actually “executing”. Or maybe how there’s no evidence on the video that shows the driver, Raymond Herisse, doing anything particularly deserving of getting shot a whole bunch of times.


Then more and more details start emerging, especially what this guy had done to deserve getting introduced to the "Memorial Day Interdepartmental Taskforce for shooting black people" The guy’s only crime, other than driving a Hyundai, was “almost hitting five police officers”. Of course, cops did find a gun in the car three days later, claiming it wasn't "in plain sight" and that they needed a special lab to tear down the car. If they had to spend three days looking for a gun, Raymond Herisse must have held up something really scary to prompt police officers to make his face more aerodynamic, like his hands or something.


This is one of the tenets of being a "boy in blue". Someone messes with a cop or his family, and you go mess with them back, usually with a ruptured spleen and broken ribs because a suspect was "resisting arrest". That’s fine, and it’s a phenomenon as old as time.


That being said, if “almost” hitting five police officers is enough to warrant over 100 gunshots worth of dental work, where does it end?



The above video was shot from street level and catches a whole lot more detail, like how they opened up on the driver for no discernible reason. My favorite part however, is the part where they realize they’re being taped and start smashing phones. The man who owned the phone that shot this film took off as soon as they started pointing at people holding cell-phone cameras and started making croutons out of them.


The man, Narces Benoit, was pulled out of his truck at gunpoint, handcuffed, and had his phone stepped on and smashed. The only reason he was released so he could dig through the wreckage and find the phone’s memory card was another shooting erupted a few blocks down the road, and the police had to go intimidate witnesses and violate the constitution there.


I’m usually one to give the police officers the benefit of the doubt. The idea that they put their lives on the line every day isn’t a cliché, it’s a fact. They don’t wear criticism-proof vests, they wear bullet-proof vests. In my experience it’s the few that reflect badly on the rest, but recently police officers have been in the spotlight a lot more for “questionable behavior”, whether it’s more media involvement or an actual increase in the frequency of the events.


Add to that rumors of ex-cop and now ex-Mayor Carlos Alvarez pumping his administration’s inner circle full of other ex-cops and pretty much making Serpico look like a sunny fairy tale. Preferential hiring, corruption, intimidation, and misappropriations of funds are all alleged to have occurred during Alvarez’s reign, which is actually a fitting description of his mayoral term. Alvarez's indiscretions in this regard will be the focus of a future work in this series.


And you can be assured that after Carlos Gimenez get recalled we'll chronicle all of his indiscretions months after they might have actually been relevant.


Cops Being Douchebags is an ongoing series exposing the general abuse of authority that seems to be endemic to most of the Miami-Dade Law Enforcement community. Stay Tuned for more of the series.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Consistency Matters.

Miami in a 3 minute and 33 second nutshell?

Yes, please!


This video should be distributed by the Greater Miami Chamber of Commerce to prospective tourists under the title, "So, You're Thinking of Visiting Miami?"

It has it all;

1. Guys in wife-beaters and blowout haircuts.

2. "Questionable" use of police force.

3. A guy "trying" the police officer.

4. Wild gesticulating.

5. Random Spanish.

6. A drugged out girl on South Beach.

7. People screaming the following;
a. "Bro!"
b. "Nigga!"
c. "That's racist!"
d. "That's fucked up!"
e. "That's some pussy ass shit!"
f. "Motherfucker!"
g. "Dogg!"
h. "Yo!"
i. "LOUD NOISES!"
and various combinations therein.

Some things missing from the video that should have probably been included are:

1. 15 girls named "Caro".

2. A group of people from Broward County who say they're from Miami trying to fit in.

3. A group of people from Broward County who absolutely hate Miami acting like they're so above the situation.

4. House Music.

5. Traffic.

6. The older people distributing Cuban Coffee on the outskirts of the donnybrook.

7. Class.

I guess that's why they call it The Magic City.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Magic City Meh-moirs.


Remember that party you went to in senior year?

The awesome one with the keg by the pool? No wait, thats right, it had two Kegs!

Remember they threw that one guy in with his clothes on? And everyone started laughing?

And your best friend made ou- sorry, scammed that one girl he had been AIM'ing with for like three months?

Remember the cops showed up and it got broken up after like two hours and everyone had to leave?

Remember in the parking lot of the Wendy's ten minutes later you and all your friends started talking about how awesome the party had been?

And then one guy said, "Yo, I wish we made a movie about that party. Everyone would've seen how sick our jams are!"

And everyone nodded excitedly.

And then another guy, the guy who would later become a Visual Arts major or some other stupid shit like that, said, "No man, someone should make a movie about, like, our whole lives, like only senior year though, like a documentary, but like dramatic, you know?"

And everyone nodded, a little slower this time, trying to deal with how awesome that idea was.

And then a third guy said, "Who the fuck would want to watch our senior year? What makes you think our high school experience is special? What makes our situation compelling? The fact we have too much of our dad's money to spend? The fact we go to the old Marine Stadium on a boat and we have a rivalry with another school because they're so fundamentally different from us they must be the bad guys?"

And everyone started laughing, because they realized how stupid the idea was.

Then everyone bought $.99 5 Piece Chicken Nuggets and drove home happy.

But what if that third guy hadn't spoken up?

What if he was on the phone, trying to find another ghetty to drive to when this exchange occured?

What if Mr. Visual Arts kept this idea burning deep in his soul, a misguided crusade of less than questionable cinematic merit, even after he was picked up by some shitty agency (it rhymes with shma-radigm) that could only afford the rent in a converted Panera on the outskirts of Silverlake?

Well, this would happen.

It chronicles the rigors of being an upper-middle class private school kid in Miami with only a boat and lots of friends to assuage the horrors everyday suburban life. It's a miracle any second generation Cuban kids survive long enough to start working in their dad's contracting and construction company.

If there 's one thing this Hispanic version of "Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist" teaches us, it's that Miami invented the concept of teenage angst, and thought enough of its novelty to feature it in a full length feature "film".

The major themes of the movie, Sex, Drugs, and Hip-Hop, are clearly exclusive to Miami. Even the music on the trailer, "Man on the Moon" by Kid Cudi (an artist that truly represents the spirit of the Magic City), leaves no doubt as to the origin of both the singular and powerful storyline, and the roots of those that struggled to bring this project to fruition.

If you thought "Slumdog Millionaire" was a deep and moving story, just wait until you get to watch three kids from a catholic high school with nice cars lament how hard it is to get a fake ID.

Hotel Rwanda doesn't have shit on trying to sneak Bacardi Coco and Smirnoff Ice into the rent at the Seacoast after senior prom.

You think your life is tough just because you have AIDS, Andrew Beckett from "Philadelphia"? How the fuck am I supposed scam the girls from my sister school this afternoon if I got a detention for being late to homeroom?

You don't know what life in the Magic City is like.

So step off, Bro.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Priorities.

(Part One of the Cops Being Douchebags series)

Miami is a pretty violent place.

Understand that while you're devouring noodles at Gigi or getting faded at Tobacco Road (OMG, SO AUTHENTIC!), bad things are happening.

In 2010, there were 6,613 violent crimes in Miami-Dade County.

Included in that number there were 84 Murders, 752 forced sex offenses, 1,851 robberies, and over 4,000 assaults.

Pretty sobering numbers, huh?

Of course, one would assume the fine men and women of the assorted police departments of the great city of Miami are hard at work stopping these horrible acts, right?

Wrong.

Apparently, the latest homeland security bulletin listed SW 87th Avenue as a high priority national security asset. Thats the only possible explanation as to why 87th Avenue is locked down tighter than the Berlin Wall every night. Trying to cross the street after midnight is as hard as trying to sneak out of East Berlin, harder actually because there isn't a Checkpoint Charlie to use for legitimate business.

After being swarmed by six police officers while attempting to drive across the street to my house and being made to walk home after my friend got turned away, I'm convinced that the police officers of Miami have their priories straight.

Why waste time on unimportant things like murders or the approximately 67 rapes and sexual assaults that occur every day when you can stop people from doing truly evil things like crossing a street where there's absolutely no construction or any other activity occurring.

I for one would like to applaud the assorted departments involved in the interdiction of this dangerous street, specifically the Florida Highway Patrol and the Miami-Dade Police, for their steadfast devotion to protecting the public from such terrifying acts as "using streets as they're intended to be used" or the ever omnipresent danger of "making right hand turns onto a major road".

Lord knows we'd be lost without these Shepherds to tend to us, a wayward flock of drivers who drive these streets every day. I sleep much more soundly because of these warriors keeping 87th Avenue clear of traffic.

Thank you Miami Police Officers, we'd be lost without you.


Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Problems.

You have problems.

You hate your job. Your car needs an oil change. You think BBC programming is funny. Your parents are cutting you off. Your dealer got a girlfriend. You have a pile of credit card bills from that Urban Outfitters shopping spree.

Believe me, you have problems.

But your biggest problem is that you think Miami is fucking awesome.

It's not by the way, remember that.