Consistency Matters.

Miami in a 3 minute and 33 second nutshell?

Yes, please!

This video should be distributed by the Greater Miami Chamber of Commerce to prospective tourists under the title, "So, You're Thinking of Visiting Miami?"

It has it all;

1. Guys in wife-beaters and blowout haircuts.

2. "Questionable" use of police force.

3. A guy "trying" the police officer.

4. Wild gesticulating.

5. Random Spanish.

6. A drugged out girl on South Beach.

7. People screaming the following;

a. "Bro!"

b. "Nigga!"

c. "That's racist!"

d. "That's fucked up!"

e. "That's some pussy ass shit!"

f. "Motherfucker!"

g. "Dogg!"

h. "Yo!"

i. "LOUD NOISES!"

and various combinations therein.

Some things missing from the video that should have probably been included are:

1. 15 girls named "Caro".

2. A group of people from Broward County who say they're from Miami trying to fit in.

3. A group of people from Broward County who absolutely hate Miami acting like they're so above the situation.

4. House Music.

5. Traffic.

6. The older people distributing Cuban Coffee on the outskirts of the donnybrook.

7. Class.

I guess that's why they call it The Magic City.

Priorities.

(Part One of the Cops Being Douchebags series)

Miami is a pretty violent place.

Understand that while you're devouring noodles at Gigi or getting faded at Tobacco Road (OMG, SO AUTHENTIC!), bad things are happening.

In 2010, there were 6,613 violent crimes in Miami-Dade County.

Included in that number there were 84 Murders, 752 forced sex offenses, 1,851 robberies, and over 4,000 assaults.

Pretty sobering numbers, huh?

Of course, one would assume the fine men and women of the assorted police departments of the great city of Miami are hard at work stopping these horrible acts, right?

Wrong.

Apparently, the latest homeland security bulletin listed SW 87th Avenue as a high priority national security asset. Thats the only possible explanation as to why 87th Avenue is locked down tighter than the Berlin Wall every night. Trying to cross the street after midnight is as hard as trying to sneak out of East Berlin, harder actually because there isn't a Checkpoint Charlie to use for legitimate business.

After being swarmed by six police officers while attempting to drive across the street to my house and being made to walk home after my friend got turned away, I'm convinced that the police officers of Miami have their priories straight.

Why waste time on unimportant things like murders or the approximately 67 rapes and sexual assaults that occur every day when you can stop people from doing truly evil things like crossing a street where there's absolutely no construction or any other activity occurring.

I for one would like to applaud the assorted departments involved in the interdiction of this dangerous street, specifically the Florida Highway Patrol and the Miami-Dade Police, for their steadfast devotion to protecting the public from such terrifying acts as "using streets as they're intended to be used" or the ever omnipresent danger of "making right hand turns onto a major road".

Lord knows we'd be lost without these Shepherds to tend to us, a wayward flock of drivers who drive these streets every day. I sleep much more soundly because of these warriors keeping 87th Avenue clear of traffic.

Thank you Miami Police Officers, we'd be lost without you.